Sometimes I feel so angry at you

Look at us micro kids with both of our hearts blocked.

Sometimes I feel so angry at you. You can impact in my mood, usually for worse. And then I feel so angry at me and the anger I feel at you doubles because I feel myself extremely ridiculous.

Ridiculous because I notice I am a mere Eros' puppet, that my limbic system is defective. I keep on making the same childish mistakes, being a slave of my selfish desires, allowing myself to be threw by someone who's just giving me a shit! It seems I never develop the necessary antibodies to stop being enchanted by those who step on me, but no, I'm an accident masochist.

I hate myself for being extremely lenient many times and insist on thinking that everybody is good, that some people just have a hard temper to deal with but, deeply, they are lovely. It even sounds arrogant of me to think I'll be the one who will change everything, that will transform a violent pit-bull into a graceful pink-colored poodle.

But that's alright. I have never had the talent to pretend to be someone I'm not, I have never had the talent to pretend I have the virtues I still don't. I find myself now in this embarrassing situation of not knowing how to behave and policing the way I show you my affect. If I'm kind, you may arrogantly understand it as I'm really suffering of love to you. If I control my words, I feel like suffocating myself with a pillow on my face. I wish that the tactic of the measured care was absolute and obvious. I run the risk of torturing me by seeing you dating another one in the end.

It's hard for me to say that, even there's some trace of possibility that we may have some future, it's remote. If you really liked me, you'd be more receptive to my praises instead of always throwing me cold water. If you really liked me, you wouldn't try all the time to show yourself off as someone as intelligent and understood about life as I am. It seems like you constantly try to make me feel inferior.

In the few moments you were kind, maybe you were experiencing a moment of weakness and I was the fool of the moment that would listen to you without criticizing. Or because your options were scarce. Or because you had seen something good in me, until the moment you woke up and saw me just like another insignificant person in your life. Have you ever give me a chance? Have you ever tried to see something special in me?

No! It seems I'll always be someone you just don't dispose at all because for you, I don't make any difference. I can't see too much of you because you create barriers around you as if I was unable to overstep them. I'd like to know you better, but you don't allow me. In this moment, I'd like to be sure you're really an asshole. Maybe then I can feel angry at you in peace and feel better with myself.