The apple returns to the tree

And in this world of paranoiac and unbalanced people, I will see everything to fall down, indifferent, barefoot on the sand having my good drinks.

Perhaps the biggest balance of the things is on the unbalance. Seeking for it may be just a mere utopia, unreachable ideal that if it was possible, it would bring us the true chaos. We already know that there is not rich without poor, that a leader has no authority without followers, that the beautiful does not shine through if the ugly does not exist, what would it be of the protagonist without the bit players, what would it be of the red if everybody liked the blue? This is the balance of the things; we have already reached it but, due to our eternal stubbornness, our eternal focus to make things worse than they already are, we do not see it, we do not note it and then we ruin it at all.

And being part of a minority is not so bad as they say, people love to dramatize. There are times that it really exhausts us, we would like to be one in a million, deny ourselves, overturn ourselves, because sooner or later the crisis of being part of the minority comes, but it goes. In the world of the artificiality and superficiality, a short and restricted group set the trends, the fever that the alienated and obtuse mass will consume for them to feel part of the gloomy majority. Say minority is weird, at least they have a refined taste and a richer culture. People are too coward to enjoy the extremes of live justifying then, all their silly fears, their mediocrity and their need of self-affirmation in the I-am-awesome and fool without arguments behavior.

These are not worthwhile thoughts. If it was a speech, people would be unfamiliar to it, talking among them about trivialities: the weather, the soap-opera, the Avaí's last match..

Thinking is good. The balance is for some. And there be those who do not think, there are those who are just a body occupying a place in the space, there are those who are a paltry passenger in a train without destination, paltry part of a gear that moves all the systems ahead. Someone who plays a bit player in the piece of theater of life, someone who accepts the insignificance as their destiny. And there are those who think too much. A scary seek, almost schizophrenic, for love, happiness, wealth, whatever. It is pathetically obvious that who needs to scream for everything and everybody all the time, being proud of having something everybody seeks for, it is because he noticeable does not have, but he has this necessity of getting it and spread the illusion blinding himself.

And it might be empty being idolized for people you do not love, that never were and they will never be part of a supposed family. The mice put their idols on a pedestal. And it might be frustrating being admired and have your thoughts shared by people who did not understand what you meant, Clarice Lispector looked at them with a blasé look. And He might have gotten bothered of those who manipulate and are manipulated by words He might have never written because, if He is what they say He is, why would He have lost His time writing a dubious and controversial book speaking about love within a hate policy? Perhaps the Earth would like to eject everybody across the universe annulling the gravitational power, so it would get rid of these human bacterias that are making it sick.

United States of Mine

For every environment, in front of every person we adopt a unique posture, we adopt a suitable “me”, a language and a particular behavior.

It is interesting how a reality show like “Big Brother Brazil”, strongly criticized by its “bad examples” to our puritan and conservative society, can a be a source of relevant themes to be debated in what pertains to human and society behavior. Just to give an example, one of the main concerns of the housemates is being themselves. But what is it be yourself?

Perhaps one of the most plausible answers is “to behave as you usually do being coherent with what you think and feel”. This thought makes sense, however, it is important to keep in mind that is impossible to establish a kind of profile about who you are.

First of all, we all know that we change as the days, months and years goes by. We might have enjoyed very much something in the past and today we do not enjoy it anymore, or the opposite, we might have hated something in the past and now we love it. Second of all, what is the expire date of a relatively trustworthy profile about who we are?

Not only time can change our vision we and others have concerning our personality. The environment also “shapes” us, as well as people that share this environment with us. For example, the vocabulary we use and jokes we make not always are those we use with who works with us. A person may be glad, playful and funny with a certain group of people, at the same time this one may be more serious and tough with others. Have not this one being “himself” in some of these situations?

In a Big Brother, a housemate may feel intimidated by the cameras, to the exposition and constantly judgment from his house colleagues and the TV audience. He may end up out there being someone he have never imagined to be perhaps because he measured too much his words in order to not displease anyone, as well he may have walked over who dared to try to stop his plans. We can discover a new “me” in situations like these. And we are a bunch of “mes”, we have multiple profiles , almost all of them very similar in its essence, but never identical. For every environment, in front of every person we adopt a unique posture, we adopt a suitable “me”, a language and a particular behavior.

What is “being yourself”? Which are your different “mes” to different people and environments? And when are you being loyal to your essence and when are you fooling others and yourself?

Changing to please

They expect a perfection that does not exist, they do recognize perfection is unreachable, however they demand perfection the same way.

Tusky has thrown his stars to the sky. Would he want to extravasate his hopes and dreams that suppress him delightfully? Would he want to decorate your sky with stars, illuminating your dark night? He probably wanted both.

What a controversy they expect from us. They ask us for us to be sincere, but they are not mature enough to face the truth, not nice all the time. They say that making mistakes is natural from human nature, but they are always ready to throw Sakineh's stones against your head. They expect a perfection that does not exist, they do recognize perfection is unreachable, however they demand perfection the same way. Everything must be measured, thought and rethought, polished and disposed. We lost spontaneity.

Amortentia and witchcraft do not work for us, the stupid muggles. However, even they would work, love would not be sincere and natural but imposed. Slaves of a spell, an unilateral love. Love yourself, a shotgun wedding would not make your man to marry you for love, he would do it for obligation.

Would you like to love unilaterally anyone, a friend, a boyfriend, whoever? Do you really have to stop being yourself in order to change to please someone that does not love you enough to accept you the way you are?

Be yourself. Do not follow a script written for some stupid guy that wants to hear only the things he want. Is it worth to sacrifice your values, opinions, feelings and believes for someone who does not care about you?

Lady Gaga said the God makes no mistakes, that you are beautiful in your way, you were born this way, I am sorry. Katy Perry said the there is a spark on you, that maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is that you could open the one that leads you to the perfect road, and you will know the time to let your light to shine. Pitty asked you to show you off for her and then she will know if she likes your real way to be.

So when the affection is bilateral you will be able to enjoy the feeling of being truly beloved for someone. You will be able to live and feel everything intensely instead of living the superficiality of lies and pretending. Do not be a puppet, do not follow a script, throw it away. Live your live. It is yours, not theirs.

At my feet

Today I want to play and you will be my toy. Giving my underhand speech and your neediness, I will have you at my feet.

I want a spare person. I want to have someone available when my friends turn me back on and I feel alone. I want someone available when I need a trophy. I want someone available for me to humiliate and to humiliate oneself for myself showing that I am the hotter one and that I am not the one who needs somebody for me, but you that are lonely.

I have chosen you to be my temporary arrangement so, be proud of yourself. You will know the prince charming you thought it would not exist. I will relieve that torn heart and you will feel once again the things you thought they were limited to your imagination, to your adolescence or to the romantic movies.

I have been playing this game for a long time and then I know all the tricks I have to set to turn you emotionally dependent of me. I will be a poet. I will write beautiful and extremely sickly sweet things. We will have lots of things in common: the romantism, the pleasure by reading, the city we live in, the style of job, the days-off.

And when you are captured in trap, I will control you through your feelings for me and I will have a lot of fun. We will plan something that will never happen, I will become a cold and far person that will leave you by yourself in the room waiting for me untill so late for nothing. And this will be my patience game that will last for days.

It is nothing personal, nothing against you. I just had some little problems but let me know that all the lies I told you are true and I do love you and you were the most fascinating person I have met in the previous years.

Today I woke up feeling I little bit hypocrite. I will say that those things I am looking for are those the world ignores. I will criticise the shallowness and I do not want to be seen as a piece of meat. While you are waiting for me at the room one more time, I will enjoy life and have some fun with the wrong ones while I do not find the right one. I will use, abuse, be used and be abused. My démodé speech against shallowness will be forgotten.

And coldly I will teel you all the details of the much I had fun and the many people kissed last night. The tears that stream down your face will not touch me. I do not have a heart, I do not have feelings to understand. I do not care if you are going away. I am hot, I am gorgeous, I am absolute and you only have this pure and sincere heart that explains your neediness.

I will never assume my mistakes. I will never feel remorse for the bad I have done. I will never apologize. You are the only one wrong person. Do not doubt me never, ever! I am a person who lies, who says what I do not feel, I am not transparent but, above all these thing, I am innocent.

Continue being my temporary arrangement. I need a trophy to show off the world when I am feeling alone. I need a temporary arrangement to remind me that I will always have someone begging and humiliating oneself for my love. I need you to be used in my plan of causing jealousy in someone else when it is necessary. I need someone to hurt, to tell my non-sexual sexual adventures.

I need someone to keep my ego in the high levels. Keep your hope alive but keep in mind that you will never be as good as I want you to be to me.

The more I make you cry, the hotter I feel.

Today I woke up feeling a little bit false, a little bit cold and a little bit cruel. Io sonno un poeta o sonno un imbecile? It does not matter anymore. Today I am feeling so well...

How special are you

What makes you a special person? What do you sow and what do you pick?

How special are you? That is the question I make for you, dear reader, and I would like you to think about it during some daydreaming moment of your day, like while having lunch by yourself, for example.

When we want someone to show some interest on us, we sometimes try to show them how special we are and we invite them to come to our world. Oh, we are so fool...

It is very hard, sometimes it is almost an impossible mission, to try to convince people we are special. It does not work trying to impose them this. Everyone discovers that by oneself and sometimes it takes weeks, months or even years.

We raise the garden, we water the flowers and we wait for the butterflies to come to us. If the one who you are interested did not show any interest for you and did not want to discover how can you be special, it is a problem of his/her. It is a natural filter.

Only the people that sincerely love us will join our world without saying “excuse me”. They will open the refrigerator, they will take a beer can and they will turn on the TV to watch the soccer game with their feet upon the couch. And as the time goes by they will know a lot about us, our weirdest manias and the way we behave when we face different places and situations.

If somebody knows you prefer use a spoon to have your meals, if somebody knows your favorite soccer team is Aston Villa, if somebody knows you enjoy writing on misty glasses, if somebody knows you have a blog that is read by a little number of people, if they know your dreams and your fears and what makes you happy, it is a sign that you are special for this one.

What makes you a special person? What do you sow and what do you pick?

Ropes and people

Somebody has told me that there is a pot of gold in the end of the rainbow that can be found in a familiar place.

Welcome back to the hot and dirty road of Guinea-Bissau where hearts are dragged. Once again we are there, walking without stopping, taking right and wrong ways. Destination: happiness.

Throughout our journey, we will find lots of people willing to help us (or not) to take the right direction. They will join us. To them, we will be tied by an invisible rope on our feet.

Some people will walk in the same rate than ours. If we are tired or down, they will pull us ahead and will show us the way for us to take. They will become our friends and they will be my our side either we take different ways or until the road is over.

A lot of people will become a dead weight for us to carry. They will not help us when we need, they will not pull us through, but a humanity feeling inside our hearts will morally obligate us to carry them. They are unusual people we carry and make us tired. Why do not we get rid of who does not bring us anything good?

And there will be those crazy people that will try to pull us back. They will pull us to the bottom of the well they live in with all their might. They can not face themselves behind us or see us too close to the pot of gold.

Inside our pockets there is a sword we can use to cut the ropes. The decision of going ahead leaving behind everyone who does not allow you to be happy is yours.

No more caring with about other’s problems if they do not help themselves. No more caring about people who does not care about us. Someday they will forget us.

Characters

Imagine that you can reinvent yourself. Imagine that you can achieve perfection. It is not a dream, it is reality! It is not wizardry, it is technology!

Close you eyes and look to yourself. What do you like and dislike about you the most? What do other people like and dislike about you the most? What makes you special and what makes you boring? Have you already though? Well, it does not matter. We are not here to think. Thinking is a boring people’s thing. We are here to follow a scrip that will drive us to success!

So now we can be the last cookie of the package. Now we can be the cold Coca-Cola in the desert. See yourself as the king or queen of the World, very powerful in your throne with your followers worshiping you. Is it mpossible? No, no, it is not impossible. Yes, we can!

How am I? I have 1,024 characters available to convince people that I am interesting.

Time goes by... who am I? “I am a person who...” backspace... “no, no, no, it is kind of foolishness writing this”... In the end, it is very hard for you to tell who you are in 1,024 characters. Is it too little to show to people the person I am? Is it enough to tell the world how special I am? Is it able to describe me in a faithfully way?

Hey, wake up! Who is interested in the truth? In a world where people are always in a hurry, who is going to be the detective who will spend his time searching the true? Searching the true is exhausting so I will believe in your lies - if they are cool, of course.

Say you are the one people that want you to be. Never reveal your fears, specially because you do not have fears. You are an ocean of courage and self-confidence. Write that you are a person who lives intensely all the days as if they were your last days. Say you love things you do not love, but love because loving is fashion this seasom.

“But this is not me, Peterson!” Remind yourself that you do not have an appointment with the truth but in being orgastic!

You not only are brave, self-confident and fashion. You also is cult. Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, Freud... You have never read nothing written by one of them, you do not know where did they come from, what do they wrote about. Anything! You just read over the profiles powerful phrases of them and you decided to use them to emblazon your culture and say to yourself you are powerful.

Who does not loves me is envy of me. I feel sorry for envy people.

And then, as long as you are getting older, you will become the character you created for you. You will always be an exclamation mark (twisted, but still an exclamation mark). People love perfect people and everybody loves an exclamation mark

This is not you and you know but... who matters? Who likes people who has doubts? Who admires imperfections, fears, craziness, failures? Let’s be just one more lie in a world of lies. Let’s pierce our eyes and be happy forever.

Smile and the world will smile with you. Cry and then you will cry alone.

I do not want to be a character, I want to be a real person. I do not want to pretend I am a 23 years old ancient wise man. I want my doubts, I want to eat the dessert slowly.

Let’s be a legitimate question mark instead of being a twisted exclamation mark.

Fortress

There were raining black clouds over people’s head and it made them feel sad. What does it could mean?

In a parallel world to ours, there is a kingdom called Badland, located between the past and the future. Something weird happens in this very familiar place: the rain is constant and particular.

Right after the born, a black cloud appears over every Badlandish head. The period of the rain and the kind of rain were different to each citizen. Whereas could rain for days over somebody’s head, it could even rain for others. Whereas could rain criticism disapproval over some ones, it could rain gibe laughs over others.

Some people understood the logic of the rains like why it rained was not just water but laughs, criticisms, magazines, crucifixes. The rain represented what was hurting their owners and was destroying their self-esteem.

Over the head of someone who had a beauty complex, it could rain cosmetics, silicones, Men’s Health. Over someone who was afraid of seeing their honor destroyed, it could rain disapproval looks, gossips and the guilty of failing.

In order to reduce this unpleasant quantity of rain, those who discovered the black clouds logic attempt to build their fortress, some of them were efficient and others were not.

There were people that looked at these people and could not see them being caught by the furious rain. They were good actors and actresses. They could be healthy outside but they were hurt inside. They protected them in a stupid way, getting strong with fashion, fake smiles, unreal happiness, cliché philosophies.

They would like to build their fortress that would protect them from the rain of stones, criticisms, laughs caused by those fucking black clouds. If they could build their fortress, maybe the cloud would disappear.

But how people could build their real fortress?

Beauty and nothing

One day I looked at the desire, but it even looked at me. I was out of the beauty standards.

Good morning, desire. I see you wherever I look, on TV, on the magazines, on the billboards, at the movies, at the mall. It is impossible not falling in love with your beautiful face, perfect smile, your soft skin, your bright hair, your hot body.

One day I looked at the desire, but it even looked at me. I was out of the beauty standards.

It hit me hard my ego and self-confidence. I have never felt so ugly and unattractive. I wish I could be an ostrich and lay my head on the ground.

But I would not want to conform myself being an ugly and unattractive one for all my life. So, I started to build my beauty, ignoring superficial beauty and building my inner beauty.

People around me got surprised due to all my intelligence, but I still was not attractive, I was not a desire. Why nobody could see my inner beauty? The “Beauty and the Beast” tale did not touch anybody? Was it just hypocrisy?

I started to hate much more the desire, being aggressive with those who admire the desire and the desire itself. I learned to be rude and sarcastic when offending it. I would like revenge because you rejected me.

I screamed:
― For me, you are the perfect example that beauty and nothing have the same meaning.

You did not understand. I got frustrated. Shit!

...

But who am I trying to fool? In fact, I still want the desire even though I am not like it. And I am a frustrated one because I am out of the beauty standards. I think if I was frothy, or if I stopped rejecting what was said it is frothy, I would become frothy and happier...

Yes, I enjoy being hit and having my heart dragged through the roasting and dirty roads of Guinea-Bissau.



Full version of the movie above on YouTube.

Further

It is difficult not associating people around us to happiness. We need people; the most difficult thing is finding the right ones.

During our life, we met thousands of people, but only some of them will become our friends or affairs. We seek for special people who will support us in difficult times. Have not we already found these ones but we have not notice it or we have ignored them?

You may say:

― But there are a lot of people in this world. How could we know?

We create a kind of filter. We filter people and we also idealize the ones who do for us, taking in consideration our tastes, expectations and personality.

Sometimes we get so focused in the profile we are looking that makes us ending up considering it as true. What does not fit the ideal is not useful, so our filter says: discard this one.

We discard people because we have no patience for trying to know them better. We blindly believe in our jaundices and crazy theories about “the reason of they behaving the way they do”, even though we have just met them five minutes ago.

You may have already met someone who you considered unbearable at the first sight, but today, helped by the time, you have discovered that you was wrong about this one, right? Of course it may have happened! But what did you change your mind? The fact of living together with this one?

Yes, living together force us knowing people deeper. It shows us that our conceits of “the right person for me” limits us too much, it makes us close our eyes not seeing people out of our conceits may also be interesting. It is a matter of taking a chance on others and taking a chance on you.

― Oh, but there are a lot of people in the world and my filters are so helpful...

Let’s be careful with our filters, ideals and conceits. They not only limit us on knowing a very specific kind of people as they also may be specious. They can make our searching on looking for interesting people something exhausting and frustrating.

So what about ignore them a little bit? Will you be able to discover the “knowing me, knowing you” magic? Are you willing? Are you willing to look further?

Kaleidoscope

Is the person you really are (or the person you think you are) the same one people around you think you are?

Who am I? One day, a lot of people may have wondered about the person they are to answer to this question on Orkut, or because some situation made them to analyze the person they have been or they were.

There is not an exact answer to this question, but we can come close to an acceptable theory. It would be better developed by one who knows about oneself very well. What one likes and dislikes and knows how to recognize one’s own virtues and shortcomings.

And even if we had created a very true theory about the ones we are, what would be its value? Strangers create concepts about us right before trying to know us deeply. Only time and living together are able to show to them they might have been mistaken. Who is the one that have never met somebody and thought this one was unpleasant and then changed one’s mind when time showed to this person that that one was not the one you thought one were, or the opposite?

And our truer theory may not match with the people around us theory. One may think you are more or less intelligent you really are, funnier or less funny, more or less problematic, etc.

So, theories we create about who we are not only have a short validity (once we are always changing for better or worse) as they also may vary from one person to another. And so, who we are? Are we a different one from each one point of view? Or are we inside a kind of kaleidoscope, the same person saw just by different angles?

Au revoir

There was a time when the ghosts used to scare me, but I have learned to ignore them. However, there is still one of them insisting on scaring me.

Oh, and today when my reality is different, you come to me as if you were a ghost to whisper your “boo”. What is the reason? Where is the sense in that?

Is it some existential crisis? Did not you take your Prozac today? Have you realized your wonderful world is not so wonderful and the beautiful colorful little stones in the street are not that beautiful?

Oh! There was a time I thought I would be sucked into the black hole without you. Yesterday I could not see my future. You have thrown me into the dark cave. You have thrown me onto the mud with no pain and no mercy.

The desperation made me look for the exit. Inside the cave I have learned a lot about myself. I have discovered a power you did say I did not have. You made me believe I would be nothing without you, only garbage.

And you were right. I was garbage because I have lived with garbage. I have learned your throwing me onto the mud was hard and painful, but it was the key you gave that was able to set me free from the handcuffs used to tie me to you. I was a coward and if you did not do this, perhaps I would never move a muscle and I would have adjusted to the situation.

I have recycled myself. I have recycled my mind. I have recycled my Book of the Days. I have turned the page. I have found my inner chameleon. What about you? Have you recycled yourself or decided to rot in the sameness?

The pawns of your chess pass by me and they say me “hi”. Your pawns are loyal to you, victims of your hypnosis, of your brain washing. Beautiful will be the day they wake up from the trance and kick against you. You will see you are garbage without your garbage.

My past I let in the past. It is a big window subjected to the weather. Every day it will become dirtier and much more difficult to see through. A pile of days, hours, minutes, seconds are able to kill fool and silly emotions. From my past I bring essential lessons to improve the person I am today. What makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad. What I can use and what I can discard.

So past, let the past in the past. I do not want to live it again, no, thanks. Do you need it to feel better? I am not willing to make you part of my present, let alone my future.

And if one day we meet each other in the streets of life, do not freak you out if I pretend I did not see you, if I pass by you as a simple other one, as if I cross the street. The etiquette will not be able to hand me over to falseness and artificiality. I back to the indifference. What about you? Do you live to your past?

Past, it is over. Live me alone, make your path and look for happiness (the farther from me, the better).

Adiós. Goodbye. Au revoir.