Fever

I can not think, I can not feel. I just know I am not well. I am in stand by, I am operating in automatic pilot. I am in lethargy state, I have a fever.

I hear the sound of the TV set coming from somewhere, but my ears are muffled and I can barely hear, besides I am even paying attention on what they say.

There are some black clouds in the sky. I do not know if it is hot or if the temperature is nive. The Sun is warm, its bright is not glittering and the colors are pale, as if I was inside a 1970's color TV.

I am sick in on my bed covered from my toes to my hairs by my blanket. My body is tired and even the more I remain laying down, I can not rest. I do not know who I am feeling. I am not in a good mood, but I am not in a bad mood. I am not happy, but I am not sad. I do not want a companion, but I do not want to be alone. I am not feeling like living, but I do not feel like dying.

I can not think, I can not feel. I just know I am not well. I am in stand by, I am operating in automatic pilot. I am in lethargy state, I have a fever.

BOLSHOI - Sunday Morning by petersonflr

Changing to please

They expect a perfection that does not exist, they do recognize perfection is unreachable, however they demand perfection the same way.

Tusky has thrown his stars to the sky. Would he want to extravasate his hopes and dreams that suppress him delightfully? Would he want to decorate your sky with stars, illuminating your dark night? He probably wanted both.

What a controversy they expect from us. They ask us for us to be sincere, but they are not mature enough to face the truth, not nice all the time. They say that making mistakes is natural from human nature, but they are always ready to throw Sakineh's stones against your head. They expect a perfection that does not exist, they do recognize perfection is unreachable, however they demand perfection the same way. Everything must be measured, thought and rethought, polished and disposed. We lost spontaneity.

Amortentia and witchcraft do not work for us, the stupid muggles. However, even they would work, love would not be sincere and natural but imposed. Slaves of a spell, an unilateral love. Love yourself, a shotgun wedding would not make your man to marry you for love, he would do it for obligation.

Would you like to love unilaterally anyone, a friend, a boyfriend, whoever? Do you really have to stop being yourself in order to change to please someone that does not love you enough to accept you the way you are?

Be yourself. Do not follow a script written for some stupid guy that wants to hear only the things he want. Is it worth to sacrifice your values, opinions, feelings and believes for someone who does not care about you?

Lady Gaga said the God makes no mistakes, that you are beautiful in your way, you were born this way, I am sorry. Katy Perry said the there is a spark on you, that maybe the reason why all the doors are closed is that you could open the one that leads you to the perfect road, and you will know the time to let your light to shine. Pitty asked you to show you off for her and then she will know if she likes your real way to be.

So when the affection is bilateral you will be able to enjoy the feeling of being truly beloved for someone. You will be able to live and feel everything intensely instead of living the superficiality of lies and pretending. Do not be a puppet, do not follow a script, throw it away. Live your live. It is yours, not theirs.

Ex-pectations

You do have expectations and your supposed lack of them is nothing but the reflexion of what you wished and failed.

There is no point in pretending you do not have expectations. Lie to the world, but can you lie to yourself even when you do it perfectly? You do have expectations and your supposed lack of them is nothing but the reflexion of what you wished and failed.

Who disputes an Olympic Games final wishing to win the silver medal and refuses the gold one? Who dreams of becoming fatter and fatter? Who wants to have acne or being ugly? Who does not want to be loved? Everyone has expectations, lots of them are suppressed even by us when we are afraid of bad comments from people we love and people we hate. Well, we want to be spoiled and the one who criticizes it is the one who wished to be spoiled and never was.

Expectations of you to know that I like your company and I would like you to stay a little bit more for me. Come here and show and tell me you really like me. Expectation of you noticing that I changed something on my appearance in order to praise you – and this time you noticed it by your own. Expectation of not suffering from Cláudia's Disease.

Expectation of becoming a succeed professional, recognized by my skills. Of being with people who cares about you, not about the things what you have. Of being friends that are not afraid to say to you the things you dislike, but that you have to hear for you well being. Expectations of comments in a blog.

We want to shine through. If our love life sinks like the Titanic, we expect our professional life to be ascending like the Brazilian deputies salaries. Expectations of something best and bigger. Expectations of your expectations not to become ex-pectations.

What about yours? Which are your expectations and ex-pectations?

Keep walking

At your left as you ladies and gentlemen can see, we have a way where the dreams come true. And at your right, we have the sameness and the traditional boring things.

The famous roasting and dirty road of Guinea-Bissau, now a UNESCO World Heritage Site, is divided into two ways. You can not stop walking, as if a Johnnie Walker bottle orders: “keep walking!” Two ways to be follow. Make your choice.

At your left, as you ladies and gentlemen can see, we have a way where the dreams come true. It is where the other half of your orange can be found, where you can find what you have lost, it is where you can have everything you like in the place you always wished to... And at your right, we have the sameness and the traditional boring things.

You have chosen left...

Following the left way, you was going up higher and higher. You found shelter there, you started having hope again, started to dream again there, started to smiling again there. Through your veins was flowing the best feeling you can ever have.. Just some meters and you would be at the top of Everest mountain, or some degrees of the stairs that drives you to the starts. You would...

Suddenly everything got dark, you did no have time to understand anything. A motorcycle came flying and hit you on purpose, making you hit your face on the road and falling senseless.

Darkness.

The sky without the Moon and the starts. The blood flowing on the road this time. Through your veins, where once was flowing the best feeling of the world, now was flowing the worst. The one who ran over you was a dreams and hopes thief that uses to drive your victims to the top of the Everest mountain to throw them from there directly to Mariana Trench. From heaven to the hell. Not happy, he stole the victim’s heart, leaving a big hole inside her.

Recover, can you?

The victim tries to get rid of the trench she is. Too much pressure for her head that can not see the sunlight and feel the heat of the Sun. Questions without answers and the desperation to come back to the surface once more. Who is going to help you?

There is the fear, the trauma, the sequel, the scars, the emptiness.

While the victim suffers by herself flailing in the sea, the thief drinks French red wine in a fancy French restaurant. While the victim feels cold, the thief is being warm by the hopes and dreams he stole. While the scar does not close and the pain does not go away, the thief is feeling good to attack another one. The thief does not suffer, does not feel, does not listen, does not want a feedback, he ignores the pain he caused. He does not feel remorse and does not apologize.

The victim is emerging to the surface to come back the roasting and dirty road of Guinea-Bissau. It is the destiny. You can not stop it.

Keep walking!

Ages

You finally became an independent person. You have money to spend in whatever you wish. But what is the price you are paying for this?

There was time, a lot of time. So many years to be lived. There was plenty of time to visit friends, to swap stickers, to play barefoot in the dirty street. Riding the bicicle, kicking the ball and breaking the window of the angry neighbour. There was not big worries, responsabilities and self-pressure.

The world was calm and beautiful. The tears were real and the smile too. The friendship was sincere and when the group of friends used to meet, they used to laugh at anything. Everything was funny. However, there was no independence and everything was all up to our mothers: the money to buy candies, going to the movies, the soccer ball, the toys, the permission to stay out of home until late. No independence and no money.

And time started to fly. Monday has just begun and the following day is already Friday. Time flies and does not last. The 24 hours day is summarized in 6, 4 hours or even less. You do not have time to talk to your friends anymore. Your friends also do not have time for you because now they work. You change, your friends change, they date, they be off and when you meet them, you are no longer friends. You are just acquainted people and your conversation stays focused on “hello, how is your family”?

Why do not you try to make some new friends? Oh, now sincere frienships are rare. Beauty and personal and professional success become prerequisites for this. Your friend tricks you and became your supervisor because he stole your ideas. You find out that your best friend cheated you with your husband. Or perhaps another friend of yours just disappears because he is dating and his girlfriend wants him to live just for her.

That is adult life, my friend. Feel ridiculous whenever you wish playing with your friends. Feel ridiculous whenever you miss espontaneous and true friendships. Feel ridiculous whenever you feel like running away to anywhere. That is adult life, hold on!

Wake up early, have lunch, laugh at your boss’ stupid joke, tolerate your coworker who complains about everybody and everything all the time, come back home in the crowed subway, arrive home very tired, cook the dinner, watch some TV, take a shower and sleep because in the following day we are going to have more of the same routine. And when the weekend arrives, you will have to drink alcohol to have fun in places you are just a good behind the storefront.

There is a lifestyle to be followed. Force yourself to be in and pretend you enjoy it. Censor your childhood desires and the unarchived dreams. They will say you are out of your mind. Time is short. Now your mother is your job. Your family are your coworkers that only talk about their families, home activites and sex. Friends are gone and each one of them chose different ways. Your friend is the television. And besides your job is your mean of living, is also your getaway from the reality. Because here we live to work for us and for people who can enjoy life, that is nothing but something that happens while others are having fun.